At almost twenty seven, and after so much search for answers, the experiences, and dilemmas, the only conclusion I have come to is that people are not honest. If I count every relationship, with a partner, I have had, they’ve all been hard. Starting with my high school sweetheart and an overbearing family on both ends who intruded to the extent of controlling our relationship, to the religious man who ended up being an asshole, to my first love who walked away because he wasn’t equip to stay, the man who ran away from conflicts, and my current single status. It has been tough, to the countless dates, the multiple panic attacks, the unsaid thoughts in my head, the self consciousness of giving a good impression no matter how badass others think I am. It is hard.
It is harder people reminding me how smart I am, how beautiful, how attractive, clever, assertive, and amazing, and still stubborn enough not to walk away from red flags, dushbags, the broken men who were never going to be ready for the journey ahead.
Yes I am smart, and clever, and all those compliments and affirmations, but when the result of each attempt at getting closer to a potential partner ends in a negative reaffirming response, I do need a reminder of why I am valuable and worthy. I come from a home that while it isn’t broken, has history. The never reaching high expectations, the migrant narrative, the daily struggles, the boundaries, the discrimination, the abuse, the manipulation; it’s enough to leave someone with trauma.
I sit here attempting to be normal, to be calm, to be collected within my own body to not freak out, to give myself pep-talks, and hope that if the next man is a good one, I figure out myself to be ready for him. I don’t want to fuck shit up. I don’t want excuses. I don’t want to bring baggage.
To the last man I met, I told him he reminds me of an old friend. A few relationships ago, when I fell in love, I learned what I liked, what I wanted, what I would have hoped more of, and in every attempt to a relationship, I learn more of what I want in myself, for myself, and in learning to be better for my partner as well. He reminds me of an old friend in the intellectual conversations we can have, he reminds me of an old friend in the way our jokes make sense, in the way he is able to so easily play along, but he is so much better in the reminders he gives me of my worth.
I am dorky, I am so weird, I have the worse laughter, I get hooked on a joke I told myself and keep laughing hours after is over. I have random behaviors that people find definitely not normal, I show my affection in odd and unusual ways with my family and those close to me. The closest memory is making a video of how I was going to attack my friend’s foot with her fresh pedicure, and licking my cousin’s face (whom I love so dearly), sending random texts to my cousins pretending to be someone they met at a bar from my regular number and ask them to send nudes, and lastly, for tonight, was talking about how hot the room was and that my brother had left us with a fire place we did not know how to turn the heat down from, which was the tv youtube screen being played. I think I made myself laugh more this weekend while attempting to throw jokes at people and trolling around than the jokes being shared generally because I know how much my own jokes fail all the time and how much they sting everyone else.
I think I need to remind myself that more. Nicole told me this week that I needed to find my happy place, I guess I had forgotten to stop being so uptight. Yes I have a lot of projects, goals, and deadlines… Yes change of routine will happen and I will be mostly out of control of all situations, but I cannot keep nailing myself to the cross every time something doesn’t work out. If I worked and I should continue to work in any relationship to improve and progress with anyone else, it should start and finish with myself. If anything should succeed is how I give myself love, unconditionally, at my best, at my worse, at my meltdowns, my failures, successes, acne, bad hair day, and awkward panic days that leave me speechless and motionless. It’s okay. I just gotta hug myself a little tighter, more tenderly, more lovingly, and listen properly to my needs. I need to be my bestest friend, my greatest encourager, mentor, coach, and lover.
#monaliza0229 